


Eridan Writes a Fanfiction

by Tirgo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Attempt at Humor, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 05:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tirgo/pseuds/Tirgo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan writes a self-fanfiction. What do you expect will happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eridan Writes a Fanfiction

Eridan wwoke up that morning wwith NO IDEA that he wwould soon be havving the best day of his entire life. It all began wwhen he got out of his recuperacoon and found to his surprise that there was a letter at his door. Curious, he opened it.

dear eridan,

hi eridan! it's me, nepeta :33

i decided last night to make a bunch of letters and send them to everyone i know! it's pretty fun writing letters to everyone, and i think this is cooler than just talking, you can do that any time! with letters, you can't get interrupted, h33 h33

so how are you?? i noticed that you and sollux have been at each others throats, and thats bad! you should make sollux a purrfect cake and then you can be friends :33 unless you don't want to

i think that you're kind of weird, but you can be cool at times too. you are funny because of your weird wizard obsession and you talk all wweird. h33 h33. so funny. i should finish up this letter because equius is messaging me and i know it's about what i'm doing! i've got to make him see that this can be cool too! :33

until next time,

nepeta leijon :33

Eridan read the letter with a bemused expression on his face. This wwas all too expected, to be considered awwesome by someone. He decided to talk to her about it.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

CA: hey nep  
AC: :33 { *ac pirks up her ears and looks over at ca in curiousity*  
AC: :33 { *ac notices that it is ampurra and curls up in his lap*  
CA: ok  
CA: no more role playin it is stupid  
AC: :33 { aww come on  
AC: :33 { remember when we did that one time and you talked about being a wizard and stuff?  
AC: :33 { that was so funny!  
CA: yeah that didnt fuckin happen ok  
CA: officially  
CA: alright  
AC: :33 { oh, really now?  
CA: regardless  
CA: i got your letter  
AC: :33 { really?  
AC: :33 { i sent those out weeks ago!  
CA: i only got it today  
CA: fuckin islands  
CA: an livvin on them an shit  
CA: so  
AC: :33 { so did you like it?? i already forgot what i said though, h33 h33  
CA: you told me to make amends wwith sol and said i wwas wweird  
AC: :33 { oh yeah  
AC: :33 { well i meant it, you should make sollux some cake as a peace offering!  
CA: that is  
CA: so vvery ridiculous  
AC: :33 { why?  
CA: i cant make a cake and i hate sollux i wwould nevver make him cakes  
AC: :33 { hmmmmmmm  
AC: :33 { make him some cookies!  
CA: no  
AC: :33 { rrrgghhh  
AC: :33 { you need to hate less people ampurra  
CA: the amount of people i hate is fine  
AC: :33 { no! you need to have less hatred!  
AC: :33 { heyyy i got it  
CA: wwhat  
AC: :33 { maybe i could be your moirail, part time  
AC: :33 { keep you out of trouble and stuff!! h33 h33  
CA: nep  
CA: wwe both havve a healthy moirailship  
AC: :33 { that's why i said part time, dummy  
AC: :33 { it wouldn't be official, um, unless we both lost our moirails or something.  
AC: :33 { i could just poke you in the right direction sometimes! like now. make a cake.  
CA: wwhatevver  
AC: :33 { yay  
AC: :33 { now, cake  
AC: :33 { sollux  
AC: :33 { now  
AC: :33 { and make me one too! h33 h33  
CA: i swwear to god  
CA: okay fine  
CA: ill try an make some goddamn cakes are you happy  
AC: :33 { yaaaaaaay!!!

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

Eridan felt kind of cool. He had twwo moirails noww, sort of! This wwould be able to wwork in his favvor. Later, he'd tell Fef that they couldn't be moirails, and suggest that they be a bit redder. She wwould havve to accept! It was all so simple now. Then he'd have twwo quadrants made.

He wwent on the internet and looked for cake recipes. He didn't havve any idea howw to do that shit. 

Wwhile searching for cake recipes, he noticed that Fef wwas online. It had to be fate. Regular life did not havve this many odd coincidences! Surely this wwas the wwork of magicians the gods of fate, wwho govverned ovver all cool stuff that happened on the entirety of Alternia. So, he wwent to say hi.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

CA: hi  
CC: Hi -Eridan!  
CA: glub  
CC: Glub.  
CA: glubglub  
CC: W)(at is it???  
CA: huh  
CC: W)(at do you want to talk about?  
CA: cant i just glub wwith you come on fef  
CC: No! I forbid you to glub at me.  
CC: Tell me w)(ats on your mind!!  
CC: 38)  
CA: okay  
CA: wwell  
CA: um  
CC: -----------ERIDAN!!!  
CA: its kind of hard to explain  
CC: )(u)(? W)(at )(appened?  
CA: wwell  
CA: i think wwe cant be moirails  
CA: anymore  
CC: W)(AT???  
CC: 38(  
CA: i think that  
CA: okay  
CA: here goes  
CA: fef havve you evver  
CA: yknoww  
CA: thought about us  
CC: W)(at are you talking about!!  
CA: ummmm  
CA: thought about us  
CA: bein  
CA: a bit  
CA: redder  
CC: Redder??  
CC: 38O  
CC: This is so sudden, --Eridan!  
CA: umm  
CC: No, I )(avent.  
CA: oh  
CA: ok  
CC: But...  
CC: Now t)(at I t)(ink about it...  
CC: I t)(ink I might be okay with that.  
CC: 38)  
CA: seriously  
CC: Yea)(! It sounds like fun!  
CC: Plus, I dont want to lose you as a contact, -Eridan! I care about you.  
CA: so  
CA: do you really wwanna go for it  
CC: Yea)(! 38)  
CC: MAT------ESPRITS!  
CC: )(e)(e)(e)(e.  
CA: awwesome  
CA: to be honest i alwways sort of liked you like that  
CA: but wwe became moirails and i felt like i wwas stuck there  
CC: O)(! Sorry, -Eridan.  
CA: yeah but noww i can actually say wwhat i wwanted to say  
CA: i lovve you fef  
CC: I like you a lot, -Eridan! Like, so much.  
CC: I want to )(ang out with you more before I bust out that word, though! 38)  
CA: okay but can i say it  
CC: Sure.  
CA: i lovve you  
CA: i lovve you feferi  
CC: )(e)(e)(e.  
CC: Youre really excited, )(u)(? 38)  
CC: I'm pretty excited too!  
CA: i lovve you  
CC: I gotta go, -Eridan! Talk to you later, maybe we can meet up soon. 38)  
CC: <3  
CA: <3

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

Eridan could hardly think. He wwas consumed wwith happiness.

Back to the cakes. 

Eridan, after a feww hours of trial and error, finally managed to make a cake that wwas not either burned or made using retarded ingredients. He tried a bit, and it wwas actually pretty good! He decided to make that Nepeta's cake. Noww he was free to havve her as his Moirail. Wwoww, twwo quadrants filled. That was better than his prevvious best of one or nothing. He had put some large amount of lovve into the cake, an amount of wwhich he wwould be embarrassed to admit. He wwondered to himself about the cake. This was just a Moirail cake, right? Not good enough to be a lovver's cake or anything. Then he had the sudden idea to bake a cake for Feferi too. But he didn't havve time, he had to make Sollux's cake.

He reached for the trollflour, and somehoww it ended up on the floor. As he wwas replacing it at its proper location, he figured out it noww had a tear, and it spit flour all ovver his temporary cooking table. He wwent to get a towwel, and as he wwas wwiping off the table, the wwhole thing collapsed.

Wwhy wwas he doing this anywway?! Sollux wwas not someone he'd like to befriend, that's for damn sure! He got a sudden idea, and decided to consult his Moirail about it.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

CA: hey nep  
AC: :33 { hi  
CA: so i had an idea  
CA: by the wway i broke up wwith fef  
AC: :(( { what!! that's horrible!!  
CA: no its fine i asked if she wwanted to be matesprits and she said yes  
AC: :33 { ohhh!!  
AC: :33 { i'm happy for you!  
AC: :33 { give me a second to, um...  
AC: :33 { change my wall!  
CA: wwall wwhat wwall  
AC: :33 { doesnt matter  
AC: :33 { back!! thats really adorable eridan how you were able to overcome your problems in the end and everything, h33 h33!  
CA: haha yeah  
AC: :33 { and you sound happier too!  
CA: i am  
AC: :33 { so, what was your idea?  
CA: oh right  
CA: so about sol  
CA: i dont really wwant to make him a cake  
AC: :33 { do it do it do it!!!!!!!  
AC: :33 { *ac commands her part time moirail ca to make cakes for his future buddy!*  
CA: yeah see  
CA: i kinda  
CA: i think i might be feeling a little black for him  
CA: is that ok  
AC: :33 { ummmmmm  
AC: :ll { thats okay i guess  
AC: :33 { i cant imagine hating anyone like that, but you do what you want! whatever makes you happy.  
CA: okay thanks ill talk to him noww  
AC: :33 { okay! good luck  
AC: :33 { h33 h33

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CA: hey  
TA: what do you want  
CA: fuck you  
TA: how uncalled for  
CA: sol  
TA: 2eriiou2ly what do you want  
CA: sol do you hate me  
TA: yeah plea2e leave me alone  
CA: i hate you  
TA: that iis pretty intere2tiing  
CA: shut up  
CA: okay so  
CA: do you havve a kismesis  
TA: oh my god  
TA: are you 2eriiou2  
TA: diid you ju2t 2ay that  
CA: yes  
TA: you are so pathetiic  
CA: fuck you  
CA: you wwanna be kismesises  
TA: fuck off  
CA: go fuck yourself  
CA: fuckin asshole  
CA: jesus fuckin christ

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

It wwent perfectly. Looks like Sol is on board. Eridan goes and sits on his couch, revveling in his recent successes. He sits there for a wwhile, then drops off to sleep.

He wwakes up about an hour later from his impromptu nap, in a confused state. Did that stuff really happen? He goes ovver to his computer and notices that Fef wwas messaging him.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CC: )(ey!  
CC: )(ey, -Eridan!!  
CC: Glubglubglub.  
CC: -Eridan?  
CC: 38(  
CC: Come on, -Eridan? Please respond.  
CC: --------------------ERIDAN!!!!!!  
CC: WILL YOU PL----------EAS--------------------------E TALK BACK!!!!!  
CC: -Eridan, I'm worried about you. 38(  
CC: Are you okay?  
CA: hey  
CC: -Eridan!!! W)(ere were you??  
CA: i fell asleep on my couch by accident  
CC: Well.... 38(  
CC: Try not to do that, okay?  
CA: okay im sorry  
CC: Anyway... )(ow are you?  
CA: hahaha  
CA: you made that big of a deal to ask howw i am  
CC: NO! I have somet)(ing better to talk about too!  
CA: ok  
CC: .....  
CC: Glub glub glub!  
CA: glubglubglub  
CC: Glubglub! 38)  
CA: so you wwanted to glub at me  
CA: pretty fishy  
CC: Sure! W)(at, I cant just glub at you now?  
CC: I t)(oug)(t we were MAT-ESPRITS.  
CA: you can glub at me for as long as you want fef  
CC: 38)  
CC: Glubglubglub.  
CA: glub glub glub  
CC: I like you, -Eridan.  
CA: i kneww that  
CA: yknoww  
CA: i lovve you  
CC: 38(  
CC: Are you trying to make me nervous? Because that's what youre doing!!!  
CA: i cant help it  
CC: You just want me to say if I love you or not!  
CA: i nevver said that nevver  
CA: i think you are makin stuff up fef  
CC: 38(  
CC: Well...  
CC: .......  
CC: I love you.  
CC: I LOV-----E YOU!  
CA: i lovve you too  
CA: wwhat happened to hangin out fef  
CC: O)(, come on. We already )(ang out all the time!!!!!!  
CC: Can I come visit you?  
CA: you dont need my permission for that  
CC: 38)  
CC: <3  
CC: Dont fall asleep before I get there!  
CC: Ill be a w)(ile.  
CA: okay  
CA: cant wwait  
CA: <3

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

This wwas a day for the fates. Eridan wwas riding high, havving established three neww relationships in a single day, no, it wwas about four hours since he began! It had to be a record! (editor's note: later details point to another troll holding the record for neww relationships in a single day, wwith 15)

Eridan got up and quickly got to wwork on another cake. Cakes are a good thing to present to a wwoman, right? 

Eridan had his computer set to a wway that it wwould beep evvery time he got a message, so it wwas vvery easy to jump ovver to his computer and talk to wwhatevver person it wwas that wwanted to contact him. He wwas mixing batter wwhen the beep occured. He could not quell his curiousity and was forced to respond.

Oh.

Oh god.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CT: D --> Eridan  
CT: D --> A word if you please  
CA: god fucking damnit not you  
CT: D --> Nepeta told me what was going on  
CA: wwhat do you mean by that  
CT: D --> She said that she was going behind my back  
CT: D --> And had found a new moirail  
CT: D --> And that you now fit that role to her  
CT: D --> She believes that she is mature enough to no longer require my help  
CA: and  
CT: D --> I just have to ask you  
CT: D --> Why  
CA: wwhy wwhat  
CT: D --> How could you  
CA: howw could i wwhat  
CT: D --> Please do not lie to me, Highblood  
CT: D --> I know you have manipulated Nepeta into your tangled web of romantic delusions  
CA: romantic delusions huh  
CA: you sure havve upgraded from wworshippin me  
CT: D --> I am very sad that you have used your incredible powers to steal away the heart of one who is of the lesser blood  
CA: arent you all about that  
CA: and i didnt steal shit asswwipe  
CA: she initiated the idea in the first place  
CA: nep thinks she needs to control me  
CT: D --> She is right  
CT: D --> E%cuse me for saying but you are out of line  
CA: dont care  
CA: fuck off  
CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> I do not think you are worthy of my praise  
CA: still dont care  
CT: D --> You are the worst Highblood I have ever encountered  
CT: D --> You are vile and wrong and you stole my moirail  
CT: D --> I know you will try to lead her astray and ruin her life  
CT: D --> And if you do  
CT: D --> I will kill you  
CA: shut up  
CT: D --> Go fuck yourself  
CT: D --> E%cuse my  
CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> In this instance I believe the word was nessicary  
CT: D --> You need to do that thing which I was suggesting you to do  
CA: god do you evver shut the fuck up  
CA: and as if you could evven fuckin kill me  
CA: wwhats better strength or sniper rifles  
CA: wwell figure that out next time you drop by  
CA: and ill do wwhatevver i wwant wwith nep  
CA: i dont need your permission  
CT: D --> You'll stop  
CA: stop wwhat  
CT: D --> Stop saying those things  
CT: D --> I need to get a towel  
CA: fuck off

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

Eridan goes back to his cakes. He is quickly distracted by beeping again.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

AC: :(( { nooo! stop!!  
CA: wwhat  
AC: :(( { dont fight with equius!!  
CA: hes a fuckin idiot  
AC: :33 { no, please dont fight with him.  
AC: :33 { this whole thing is hurting my friendship with him, and i don't wanna hurt him further!  
AC: :33 { please dont talk to him  
CA: wwhat are you pulling double duty as a auspitice  
AC: :33 { i guess i am  
AC: :33 { just please dont bother him hes feeling really bad right now!  
CA: okay  
CA: i wwont  
CA: but if hes reactin like that wwhy did you break up wwith him in the first place  
AC: :33 { i am mature enough, i dont need someone watching my back!!  
CA: but i do apparently  
AC: :33 { yeah! you do! you're a sociopath  
AC: :33 { h33 h33. just kidding.  
AC: :33 { but nobody can juggle two moirails, ampurra!  
CA: i guess  
AC: :33 { sorry i'm all worked up  
AC: :33 { just dont talk to equius, okay?

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

Eridan wwent back to his cakes again. He wwas going to make the best cake ever for Feferi! He wwould put all his hours of cake-making ability into forming the ultracake, one that wwould make Feferi lovve him forevver!

No, he didn't honestly think that. But it wwas fun to think that doing this wwas a big deal. Eridan thought back to howw he felt wwhen he wwoke up that day. He was slightly angry, and felt bored wwith life. Noww, he was making cakes in a kitchen he didnt' havve before, and he had... Wwait...

Eridan had filled all the quadrants!!! His life goal had succeeded!

He felt sorry for Nepeta, though, havving to be the bossy role in twwo romances. Not an easy job, and Eridan wwasn't sure if she could handle it. He vvowwed to givve her a pep talk later and bake her a second cake. Because he was nice like that all of a sudden.

Just as Eridan finishes Feferi's cake, there's a knock at the door. He quickly looks at himself in a mirror and messes wwith his hair, then opens it. Of course, the person outside is Feferi. She's just as cute as the day Eridan had first laid eyes on her. Howwevver, this time, she wwasn't coming here with a friendly look in her eye. Today, she was lustful.

")(ey," she said nervously.

"hey" said Eridan back. "um i made you a cake"

He quickly dashed over to the increasingly ovverbearing cake table and got a piece of Feferi's cake. He gavve it to her. 

"Wow, you put a lot of effort into this. I didn't know you liked baking," she said, studying the cake. She took the fork off the plate and took a bite. "Wow! This is reely good, -Eridan!"

"yeah ivve been gettin instruction from a certain being off the internet knowwn as betty crocker" he said, quietly turning off his computer to eliminate the beeps.

Feferi put the cake down and they stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds. Then they snapped out of it. "um so" said Eridan, "wwhat do you wwanna do"

His question was met by Feferi's lips. They started kissing passionately, ta

[DIALOGLOG]

NEPETA: :33 { hey, eridan, what are you writing?  
ERIDAN: nothin  
NEPETA: :33 { you've been writing in that for days now! lemme see!  
ERIDAN: no  
NEPETA: :33 { gimme  
ERIDAN: NO  
NEPETA: :33 { gimme gimme gimme  
ERIDAN: NO NO NO NO NO  
>nepeta gets the book and restrains eridan with her other hand, skims  
NEPETA: :33 { woah, eridan!  
ERIDAN: ITS NOT WWHAT YOU THINK  
NEPETA: :33 { what is this??? me leave equius for you??? thats not even funny, ampora!  
ERIDAN: I DIDNT I  
NEPETA: :33 { and this stuff about feferi! i knew you still liked her, h33 h33  
ERIDAN: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO  
NEPETA: :33 { i should go tell her, h33 h33  
>nepeta throws the book back at eridan's desk and runs away giggling madly  
>eridan breaks down crying on the floor

THE END LOL


End file.
